Thursday, July 12, 2007

4 Defensive Communication Styles From Virginia Satir




1) Placating
When we placate, we disregard our own feelings of worth, hand our power to someone else, and say yes to everything. Placating masquerades as pleasing, a highly acceptable act in most cultures and families. However, Placating differs from a congruent attempt to please. We placate at the expense of self worth. Placating denied our self respect and give people the message that we are not important. We insist on taking the blame for the things that go wrong. We take responsibility even if we have to go to exaggerated lengths to find evidence of our errors.

2) Blaming
Blaming is diametrically opposed to placating, The Blaming stance is an incongruent way of reflecting society's rules that we should stand up for ourselves and not accept excuses, inconvenience, or abuse from anyone. We must not be "weak". To protect ourselves , we harass and accuse other people of circumstances. To Blame is to discount others.

3) Super Reasonable
The Super Reasonable pattern of communicating discounts the self and the other person. Being overly reasonable means functioning with respect to context only, most frequently at the level of data and logic. We do not allow ourselves or others to focus on feelings. This reflects society's rule that maturity means not moving, looking, touching or feeling emotions.

4) Irrelevant
The fourth survival stance is being Irrelevant, commonly confused with being amusing or clownish. The Irrelevant pattern is the antithesis of the Super Reasonable one. When people are Irrelevant, they move continually. This is an attempt to distract people's attention from the issue under discussion. They keep changing their ideas and want to do myraid activities simultaneously.


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